For The Love Of Movies, Movie Theaters, and Good Memories

I went to the movies tonight, at an actual movie theater, and it felt like I was walking in the past.  Even stopping in the bathroom after the movie, when normally it would be bustling with people, happily discussing the movie they just watched, this time, the big bathroom was eerily empty, reminding me of a ghost town, or a zombie movie where no one else is around.

This makes me sad for so many reasons.  I have always loved going to movie theaters.  I love the escape from reality they offer.  I love immersing myself in a good movie.  I loved going to the movies as a kid, as a teen, and as a parent.  When my daughters were old enough to go to their first animated movie in the theater. it was so special watching them experience the big screen.  And then when the movie ended and the happy music was playing, they would run to the front of the empty theater and gleefully dance and run.  It was pure joy to watch their happiness. A beautiful moment in time; a cherished memory always.  

As mentioned in previous posts, this is my 50th year of life.  Something I still can't wrap my head around.  And the longer we are alive, the more change we will see in how life is lived.  But seeing that movie theater completely empty tonight, broke my heart a little.  And I can't imagine that movie theaters will be able to sustain and stay open if no one is going to them.  Which means this will become an activity of the past, of my past.  One that I enjoyed immensely.  An experience I most likely will not be able to share with my future grandkids.

And as I drove home, on empty streets and closed businesses - that in pre-pandemic times, would have been bustling at 10pm on a Saturday night - the reality of what this pandemic has caused, has changed, just sinks in a little more.  Covid took away so many things.  It goes without saying that the most tragic of these things are the many people who lost their lives to this horrid virus, the families that will never be the same.  But it also changed the face of businesses and places of recreation, of throngs of brick and mortars and city landscapes.  Things we never saw coming, or never dreamt of losing, so soon, so fast. 

I realize this is a melancholy post, and I am allowing myself to feel that tonight.  We have ALL experienced a lot of loss and changes these last two years of our lives, and not all were bad.  But regardless of it all, time marches on.  We will adapt.  We will move forward and keep going, because that is all we can do.  But we are human and we are allowed our moments of sadness.

Hug your loved ones.  Cherish the beautiful moments.

Cherishingly,

Me

Motivational Moment:

The clock just struck midnight and it is now February 13th.  My twin daughters are now 20 years old.  This will be the first time, since they were born, that we will not all be together to celebrate.  This is not for a bad reason, it is because they are away at college.  So it is a good reason.  It is the next step in their life's journey and I am happy they are doing so well.  But as a momma, it is also another milestone in the passage of time in my life's journey and I am allowed to note it and feel it.  I am so proud of my girls.  They are all beautiful, sensitive souls and they are good people.  They make my heart swell with love just at the thought of them.

So I will end this post on a repeat of what I have already said above, and can't say enough in my lifetime:

Hug your loved ones.  Cherish the beautiful moments.  💖

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

SG

How Do You Measure Your Worth?

With May being Mental Health Awareness month, I thought this was perfect time for me to post these thoughts that came to me the other night.

 How Do You Measure Your Worth?  (Spoiler Alert: You don't! The mere fact that you are here is pure celestial gold!)

This question came to me as I was attending an orchestra concert at the high school (the song playing was actually composed by one of the senior students) and it almost had a melancholy/eerie feeling to it.  And by all means, this is not an insult.  Quite the opposite in fact, because I feel that a piece of music that moves you, that transports the audience elsewhere, is truly powerful - and thoroughly enjoyable.

Unfortunately, I was finding myself lacking.  And then I was sitting there almost berating myself for my thought process.  So then this question came to mind ... I literally asked myself, how am I measuring my worth, if I am finding it lacking?

 So let's dive in.

 I was an A student all through my years of schooling, including college. Check mark in the "plus" column.

I have anxiety.  Fear and worry rule my life.  Check mark in the "minus" column.  (Although as I write this, I feel myself already defending me, in that how much can it be my fault, if anxiety was literally in my genetic code, passed down from generations, affecting men and women alike in my bloodline?)

 I have raised three daughters who are also excellent students and good humans.  Another one (or three) for the "plus" column.

 I have had two divorces.  Two for the "minus" column. 

I have successfully worked full-time my entire adult life, being financially stable - despite having anxiety and while having three babies (two of which were twins).  Check, check, check for the "plus" side.

I am intelligent.  I am a highly sensitive person.  I am a perfectionist and I have high expectations.  This is what makes relationships difficult for me.  No one can live up to my high expectations and in addition, they can't evade crushing me at times due to my highly sensitive nature, so I inevitably get disappointed or hurt by perceived slights from them.  And I do realize how difficult it is to live with someone who has anxiety and can spiral when any minor medical issue occurs. 

I am baffled that I am experiencing this momentary worthless feeling. Is this mid-life? Is this the disappointment that I am about to turn 50 years old and I have not accomplished any of what I was "promised" by being a straight A student in school?  I am not in my dream job.  I don't even know what my dream job is.  I feel disappointed. In myself.  With myself.  Oh and add being overweight to my "minus" column, I am not happy that I have gained so much weight and cannot easily shed it like when I was younger (please note - this is my personal barometer and not a condemnation of anyone but myself).   

Why is it not good enough that I did a damn good job in raising three children?  Why is it not good enough that not only have I financially supported myself, but I have supported three daughters, and my household.  Why can't I be proud of me and be happy where I'm at in life?  Is it about purpose? A meaningful job?  Is it that I don't feel needed since my children are no longer dependent little ones?  Why do I always want more than what is my current reality?

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that we are too hard on ourselves. It's like having "compare-itis"; we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking, particularly in this social media world we live in where we can see what we perceive as "happy, successful people" everywhere.

At the end of the day, we need to be at peace with who we are.  For ourselves.  By ourselves.  We have to enjoy every season of our lives because after all, we don't get a re-do.  This is it.  Every season, of every age, is our last to experience at that age.  We can't waste these precious minutes of our lives by feeling not worthy.  We are here.  For that alone, we are worthy.

Worthily Yours,

Me

Motivational Moment:

I wanted to end today's blog with hope.  When one has hope, they have a promise of a new day that can bring a much needed change.  Perhaps it's meeting a new person that can end up being a new best friend or significant other.  Perhaps it brings a new job or a new adventure that ends up being wonderful for you.  Perhaps it's finally coming into your own and realizing that YOU are all that you need and that YOU alone are worthy for a good, satisfying, and peaceful life. And here's the thing, in the darkest of times, one may not feel hope, and it's in those times that everyone needs the message that there is someone they can reach out to.  Whether that be a friend, a relative, or even a stranger that answers the phone of a hotline - literally there for you.  You can look up hotline phone numbers and there are people who want to talk to you and want to help you.  You just need to remember in those darkest times that you are not alone and you only need to reach out to someone.

In closing, if you have hope, you always look forward to the next day and possibly the next new thing.  If you feel you don't have hope, then that is when you reach out to another person and talk to them about how you are feeling, because at the end of the day or during your worst crises, you are not alone.  There are over 7 billion people on this earth, and at any one time, there are thousands, if not millions, going through what you are going through.  So you, my beautiful, troubled, tender souls, just have to reach out and talk to someone and you hang in there until you feel hope on your own accord.

Sending HUGE love and hugs out there to all who are going through (or have gone through) any mental health struggle.  You are not alone.  You are here, on this earth, and you are loved, just simply by being you, you Beautiful Soul.

Peace to your soul, Love, and Hugs,

SG  

Musings on Mid-Life

I have never had a problem with birthdays.  I especially thought people were silly when they talked about how "old" they felt when turning any age in their 30's or 40's. 

All that has changed with me rounding 50. 

I guess I can say I have been in my mid-life crises the last few years.

And a quick aside here ... when I was younger, I had always thought mid-life crises occurred in your late 50s and 60s, but let's face it, not many people live to be 100 or 120.  In fact, now that I'm close to 50, I am surprised at how many people I have heard of lately who have passed away in their 50s or even before hitting 50!

So, if my "mid-life" crises started around age 46 or 47, let's just say I'll be surprised if I survive until I'm 92.  I'm 48 now and I'm amazed at how "old" my joints seem.  They are not happy on most days.  And you can forget jogging or running or biking; I'm lucky some days if I can simply walk from the parking lot to my desk.  And don't even get me started on my dry eyes!!

I digress, as usual.  This is not a lament on my joint pains or anxieties or worries or how I feel the body is just falling apart, yes ... I can go on and on about the myriad of body maladies ... but that is for another day.

This post is about my mid-life crises in the sense that this can't be it.  I'm not in my dream job.  I have not made huge societal accomplishments.  I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up!!  And that scares the crap out of me!  I want to DO so much more, BE so much more than this mere ordinary existence.  I want to do something I am PASSIONATE about, before my time here is gone.  I just have no idea what that should be, and that is what bothers me.  I do, however, feel strongly that the world needs people who are passionate and alive; if everyone was doing what they love, the world would be a much happier place!

Running Out of Time,

Passionately Yours,

Me

(On a side note, this blog was drafted almost 2 years ago, but I somehow never got around to posting it - which ironically goes with my theme of running out of time!!  Anyways, the below conversation was too good to not post, so here it is - even if a little late.  Better late than never folks!!)

Motivational Moment:

Today's Moment is one of my Life’s Little LaughablesⓇ

 My daughter who is 17 and a senior in high school was really stressing out about a homework assignment that was taking her longer than it should.  We had gone out to dinner but there was a half hour wait and that really stressed her out; she did NOT have time to sit there all night with so much homework that needed to be done.  So I said, "No Problem.  We will simply order the food To Go and head home.

On the drive home, she was explaining how she was very unhappy that she couldn't decide on what article to do her assignment on and she had already spent way too much time looking for the perfect article.  She exclaimed: "I'm so stupid!! ...".  And I immediately cut her off.  (This girl has been considered gifted academically since 4th grade and has maintained a 4.0 average all of high school).  So I'm about to get into this big dissertation about how she should NOT talk down to herself like that and it is because she is a perfectionist and that is a trait she inherited from her mom, etc.  and how that trait makes you want things to be perfect so you try harder and work harder and still aren't happy with the results because, let's face it, nothing is perfect!  So all that went through my head in the heartbeat of hearing her stressed out and making that statement.  

Here is how the conversation flowed:

 - 17 yo daughter: " ... I'm so stupid! I'm spending way too much time on the research portion of this assignment..."

 - Me: "Hey!! I WANT YOU TO KNOW ..."

 - 14 yo daughter (sitting in the back seat of the car): "YOU ARE DUMB!"

 
Literally, in a split second, her bratty freshman sister, interjected her wit.  And I have to say, we all laughed.  I said "white flag. I surrender!".  Obviously, we all know she is not dumb and that, in fact, quite the opposite is true, which is why that little exchange was hilarious to me.

I did tell her that she needs to not speak to herself like that.  She can acknowledge that she is a perfectionist and Type A personality and wants things perfect, but in no way should her self-talk be negative towards herself.

Wishing you all laughing, loving moments with your loved ones.

Love and Hugs,
SG

Advice to My Daughters as They Turn 18 and I near 50

When my twins were newborns, a co-worker (who had college-aged kids) said to me: "It goes by so fast, so enjoy it!".  At the time, I was exhausted with two babies and literally felt like college was an eternity away. I was thinking - this time cannot go by fast enough!! However, I was wrong. I wish I could go back to them being newborns and holding and cherishing every moment (even though that really is challenging with a level of exhaustion that is almost unbearable). 

 

My mom has always said that the older you get, the faster the years go.  And the older I get, I find that to be scarily true!  I literally can't believe I am about to turn 50!  This photo is basically this blog in one image - in a blink of an eye, your children grow up ... and your life passes.

I have been thinking about writing this post since my twins turned 18.  That happened in February of 2020, and well, we all know what 2020 brought us.  Ironically, as I am writing this, I feel that the actual year of 2020 was almost as if life was put on hold. The entire year feels like a vacuum in time. I honestly don't know where the year went. Life as we knew it certainly was dramatically different - school was now virtual, all social gatherings were cancelled - at least in large quantities, businesses closed or went virtual (if they could), the world struggled with chaos, crises, and devastating loss.  My daughters had to deal with a virtual graduation from high school; having the end of their senior year occur from our house rather than walking the high school halls as the top dogs; their internships getting cancelled (and I was really excited for them and proud of them for the internships they had set up).  Then as the pandemic continued, they had to deal with their first semester at college being very different than normal with classes being virtual and no socialization.  To say I am proud of these girls is an understatement.  They rolled with the punches and continue to excel.

There is some life advice that my mom passed on to me.  She said: "There's two things that are really important to have in your household.  The first is a really good vacuum.  The second is a good set of stainless steel pans.  And I can say - that was darned good advice.  I have the same set of good quality pans she got me for my wedding - and they still look the same 25 years later.  And I also will say that I LOVE a good vacuum.  I love how the carpet looks and feels after a good vacuum.  I realize that this is not deep level wisdom, however this is good stuff to know when it comes to adulting.

Another piece of Life Advice that I often reiterate to them is to be your own advocate. Stand up for yourself (and your children).  If you are not happy with a doctor - whether it's a vibe or their plan of action or they don't listen to you - if anything doesn't sit well with you, then find someone who you  respect and trust and who does listen to you.  Remember that you are paying them, so they work for you!  Everyone is human and no one is perfect.

Choose a partner who treats you kindly and with respect. If they make you feel bad about yourself, then leave - for yourself. You only get one life, if you are not happy with your current reality, then change it. No one else can do it for you.  Only you will live your life and walk your individual path.

But mostly my advice is to enjoy yourself.  Life is so short.  And genetically, we (our family) are perfectionists, worriers, "A" students, and Type A personalities. We want perfection and success - in our bodies, in our partners, in our homes, in our careers. We stress when we don't get it, but nothing - no person, no body, no partner - is perfect, so we end up being hard on ourselves and our partners. I wish I could easily snap my fingers and change this for you because I know how hard it makes life. But since I can't do that, what I can do is be your advocate, for the rest of my life.  I will be there to help you when you are being too hard on yourself. Us Sensitives suffer, but we also bring so much love and light into this world - which is SO needed. After 49 years of living, I am realizing that it's ALL about the journey and not the NEXT thing.  I once read something about a "next addiction" and I find that it is what I do.  Always planning and/or worrying about what comes next.  But truly what we need to do is to enjoy the now, which means easing up on yourself. You are doing the best you can.

And lastly, to my youngest.  I see you.  Your 18th is 2.5 years away and I am in no hurry to see it come, even though I know you can't wait.

Keep Shining on My Loves!! 

Forever and Always,

Your Advocate, Your Momma,

Me

P.S. The advice I gave to your cousin on his 18th is also advice I love for you (and for all 18 year olds), you can find it here.

Motivational Moment:

Another Life’s Little LaughablesTM: Whenever I think of some sage wisdom that I want my daughters to know, I always used to say: "If I were to drop dead right now, I'd want you to know this piece of life advice..."  One day, my daughter finally said: "Can you think of another, less-morbid, way to word that?!".  So now whenever I want to tell them sage life advice, I simply preface it with "Here is another important thing for you to remember in life...". 

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Momma (aka SG)

Be The Antitoxin In This Toxic World

Be The Antitoxin.

Let that marinate for a moment.

I was having a conversation with some friends the other day and I mentioned that I was visiting a close relative who always seems to stress me out.  I even went so far as to describe the visit as toxic for me.  The reason it is hard for me to be around this person, is because she tends to be negative and critical about many things.  Being a highly sensitive, it hurts me, depresses me, and wears me down. Whether it be a work relationship or a personal relationship (close family members), when the environment is toxic to me, I just want to escape it.  I am starting to have zero tolerance for toxic negativity and criticism.  I also find it sad and frustrating because, in this particular instance, the person is one that I should feel very close to and as such, I want our time together to be full of love and joy - not negativity.

My friend, Johnny, had the best response to my toxic comment.  He said: "Well, let's all make an effort to be the antitoxin."  (Johnny has a history of saying some of the most thought provoking words to me that seem to light off a spark in my brain.)

One character flaw of mine is reactivity.  If you throw me into a fire (such as a stressful interaction with co-workers or family), I am going to catch immediately on fire.  I wish I could sit here and tell you that I am the fire extinguisher.  Truly, I would love more than anything to be the kind of person that, rather than catch on fire, or fuel the flames, I extinguish them with my calm and cool demeanor.  Unfortunately, that is not me.  Instead, I am highly reactive (flammable) and readily catch on fire when it is thrown my way.  However, I will never give up on striving for my calm!

Back to this antitoxin thought.  As I am writing this blog, not only do I see the super powers of what this would do for my personal and professional life, but I also see what this would do for the world, particularly in our current reality. We are in a year of extreme world stress and strife and the fallout to mental health is being witnessed again and again.  It is a catastrophic year to individuals' state of mind - on a global level.  What a miracle it would be if everyone could take a dose of a "love elixir" (as Johnny put it), and become the antitoxin to this toxic world that we are currently existing in.

Here's wishing a HUGE dose of LOVE, CALM, HOPE, and PEACE enter into us all during a nice, deep inhale whenever we feel us losing our cool and being reactive in a heated situation.

 

Sending out LOVE to ALL,

SG 

 

Motivational Moment:

This Motivational Moment goes out to my CC.  He brought calm and healing into my life during some very dark days.  When I recently thanked him for this, he responded by saying he is merely the band aid and that I healed myself. 💖

May you have people who are band aids in your life who help you heal in your times of need.  And on the contrary, may we be the band aid for others when they need some healing.

Be The Antitoxin In A Toxic World!

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

SG

A Moment in the Life of My Brain

As stated in many of my previous blogs, I have quite the active worrier mind. This entry was going to be one of my quick little Life’s Little LaughablesTM that I add to the end of a blog, but as I was typing it, I realized it was getting too long to be delegated to the end anecdote and thus, here it is, in its full blog glory:

This entry is a little snapshot of the ocean-sized difference between my anxious mind and a non-anxious (aka extremely calm) mind.

So, as is typical with my anxiety, something that would be no big deal in most brains, was a big monster growing in my brain.

This silly little topic is about flowers. In particular, these cute little yellow flowers that were bought for me, by my daughters, for my birthday.

I planted them in this big pot that is out in my driveway. They were planted side by side with a purple flower. (You can tell how adept I am at gardening by my very technical terms of "yellow" and "purple" flowers.)

Well ... the oddest thing started happening with my yellow flowers ... I swear they started smelling like garbage. And not only that - they had become infested with flies (which I didn't realize until I put the garbage can out by them for ONE night and the next morning the lid was covered in maggots). Yuk!!

About one week after that grossness (yes - another technical term), I noticed that not only were there flies everywhere, but now there were bees and wasps on these yellow flowers (I'm all for the honey bees, just not the wasps and flies).

So this is where my brain differs from the average calm brain:

 - This flower is going to continue to attract bees and wasps and flies until I have a huge infestation.
 - The house already has ONE fly in it from this pot being by the garage door, so this is going to become a HUGE problem.
 - If I try to remove these flowers, I will get stung by the scary wasps and bees.
 - If I spray pesticide on them, it will ruin the dirt for other flowers.

*mind spends some additional time on worse case scenarios*
*texts daughters about these armageddon flowers they bought me*
*decide to go splash white vinegar on the flowers to get rid of all insects so that flower removal can commence the next day and thus avoid armageddon*
*on way out the door, stop and ask boyfriend if all scary flying insects go to bed at night "somewhere"; he assures me they are back in their home (wherever that is!).*
*Boyfriend inquires as to what I am doing, so I fill him in on the white vinegar plan*
*Boyfriend walks out to scary flower pot with me.*

Him: "I'll just pull them out and throw them in the woods."

Me: "What - with your bare hands????  Don't you need a shovel and a wheel barrel?!!  What if you get stung????!!  Wait - let me turn on the light!"  *starts running into the garage*

Him: *grabs flower stems* (which all come out in one bunch since they were just transplanted from a pot a few weeks ago) *walks to woods and tosses them out*

Me: *standing there in shock at how incredibly fast, simple, and NON SCARY that was!!!*

Yup - just another daily moment in the incredibly exciting brain of mine.

Never-the-Dull-Moment Yours,

SG

Motivational Moment:

Of course this entry needs to end with a Life’s Little LaughablesTM (as if this entire entry isn't already one):

A few days before I noticed the flies and bees, a pest control company stopped by asking if I wanted to join their service, like a bunch of my neighbors. I kindly replied that I am happy with my current pest control but I wished him well.  He, of course, kept trying to sell me his service, so I kindly wished him well again and shut the door.

So in my mind - it was this dude who dumped some "garbage smell juice" on my flowers as he walked away with no sale.

#ConspiraciesRus


And if anyone happens to know what these yellow flowers are - and if they are supposed to smell like garbage or if my suspicious mind is correct - feel free to let me know.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,
SG

For The Love of Calm

This post is a shout out to all of the truly calm souls out there!  Us highly sensitive and anxious souls TRULY appreciate you.  We appreciate your calm waves that you naturally put out that soothe us, not only in times of crises, but even with daily overwhelm that occurs.

I was talking with a friend of mine today and it inspired me to send this quick Thank You out into the world for calm souls.  My friend "Lola" is one of these people.  She is chill ... calm ... peaceful.  Everything my anxious soul would love to be, but was not gifted as genetically.

Lola and I are both currently out of work for different reasons.  Lola and her husband moved to a different state to be by their children and grandchildren. I lost my job due to budget cuts.

On a daily basis, Lola is cracking me up with her efforts to find a job - as well as with the variety of jobs she is applying for.

Today, she mentioned she is applying to be a 911 Dispatch Operator.  This highlighted the extreme differences in who we are.  The thought of me having that job - well - it's actually unimaginable - for all of the obvious reasons of who I am.  Every time the phone rang, I would be in a panic over what emergency was on the other end.  And then I would be thrown into more of a panic, hearing about the panicky emergency.  Lola, on the other hand, is calm down to her soul.  She would be able to stay calm and handle the situation appropriately, thus being of great help to the person in need, on the other end of the line.

So this, my friends, is the entire point of this quick little blog today:

From the bottom of my heart, to the depth of my soul, (and any other appropriate analogy you can think of), I am extremely thankful and grateful for all of you calm souls out there!  Whether you have jobs in the emergency fields, helping others in their most scary time of need, or if you are simply a calm lifeline to someone in your life, you are all angels here on earth and we love you and appreciate you.

To my dear friend Lola, I thank you for all of the beautiful, soothing calm (as well as all the laughter) you have sent my way throughout our many years of friendship.  I wish you the best of luck with your job search and hope it ends with a role that helps others in their times of need.  You are the best.  Love you.

Gratefully Yours,
SG

Motivational Moment:

In the same theme as today's blog, this is a moment of gratitude for those in our lives that help us through tough times.  The world, as a whole, is currently experiencing a scary health crises that we have never had to face before.  Social media and the news inundate us constantly, and while I agree it is wise to be educated for the effort of prevention and saving lives, the downside of that is a colossal fear out in the collective population.  Since I am no expert by any means, my simple words are what work for me and my anxious soul: take time away from social media and the news, and do things that relax you - such as walks in nature, talking with calm souls or with friends that make you laugh, reading books, dancing, listening to music you love, spending time with your pets, getting a massage, watching movies, etc.  The important thing is that you do what works for YOU to relieve stress and allow you to relax - so whatever "that" is - go do more of "that" during these universal times of stress.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,
SG