With May being Mental Health Awareness month, I thought this was perfect time for me to post these thoughts that came to me the other night.
How Do You Measure Your Worth? (Spoiler Alert: You don't! The mere fact that you are here is pure celestial gold!)
This question came to me as I was attending an orchestra concert at the high school (the song playing was actually composed by one of the senior students) and it almost had a melancholy/eerie feeling to it. And by all means, this is not an insult. Quite the opposite in fact, because I feel that a piece of music that moves you, that transports the audience elsewhere, is truly powerful - and thoroughly enjoyable.
Unfortunately, I was finding myself lacking. And then I was sitting there almost berating myself for my thought process. So then this question came to mind ... I literally asked myself, how am I measuring my worth, if I am finding it lacking?
So let's dive in.
I was an A student all through my years of schooling, including college. Check mark in the "plus" column.
I have anxiety. Fear and worry rule my life. Check mark in the "minus" column. (Although as I write this, I feel myself already defending me, in that how much can it be my fault, if anxiety was literally in my genetic code, passed down from generations, affecting men and women alike in my bloodline?)
I have raised three daughters who are also excellent students and good humans. Another one (or three) for the "plus" column.
I have had two divorces. Two for the "minus" column.
I have successfully worked full-time my entire adult life, being financially stable - despite having anxiety and while having three babies (two of which were twins). Check, check, check for the "plus" side.
I am intelligent. I am a highly sensitive person. I am a perfectionist and I have high expectations. This is what makes relationships difficult for me. No one can live up to my high expectations and in addition, they can't evade crushing me at times due to my highly sensitive nature, so I inevitably get disappointed or hurt by perceived slights from them. And I do realize how difficult it is to live with someone who has anxiety and can spiral when any minor medical issue occurs.
I am baffled that I am experiencing this momentary worthless feeling. Is this mid-life? Is this the disappointment that I am about to turn 50 years old and I have not accomplished any of what I was "promised" by being a straight A student in school? I am not in my dream job. I don't even know what my dream job is. I feel disappointed. In myself. With myself. Oh and add being overweight to my "minus" column, I am not happy that I have gained so much weight and cannot easily shed it like when I was younger (please note - this is my personal barometer and not a condemnation of anyone but myself).
Why is it not good enough that I did a damn good job in raising three children? Why is it not good enough that not only have I financially supported myself, but I have supported three daughters, and my household. Why can't I be proud of me and be happy where I'm at in life? Is it about purpose? A meaningful job? Is it that I don't feel needed since my children are no longer dependent little ones? Why do I always want more than what is my current reality?
Maybe it all comes down to the fact that we are too hard on ourselves. It's like having "compare-itis"; we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking, particularly in this social media world we live in where we can see what we perceive as "happy, successful people" everywhere.
At the end of the day, we need to be at peace with who we are. For ourselves. By ourselves. We have to enjoy every season of our lives because after all, we don't get a re-do. This is it. Every season, of every age, is our last to experience at that age. We can't waste these precious minutes of our lives by feeling not worthy. We are here. For that alone, we are worthy.
Worthily Yours,
Me
Motivational Moment:
I wanted to end today's blog with hope. When one has hope, they have a promise of a new day that can bring a much needed change. Perhaps it's meeting a new person that can end up being a new best friend or significant other. Perhaps it brings a new job or a new adventure that ends up being wonderful for you. Perhaps it's finally coming into your own and realizing that YOU are all that you need and that YOU alone are worthy for a good, satisfying, and peaceful life. And here's the thing, in the darkest of times, one may not feel hope, and it's in those times that everyone needs the message that there is someone they can reach out to. Whether that be a friend, a relative, or even a stranger that answers the phone of a hotline - literally there for you. You can look up hotline phone numbers and there are people who want to talk to you and want to help you. You just need to remember in those darkest times that you are not alone and you only need to reach out to someone.
In closing, if you have hope, you always look forward to the next day and possibly the next new thing. If you feel you don't have hope, then that is when you reach out to another person and talk to them about how you are feeling, because at the end of the day or during your worst crises, you are not alone. There are over 7 billion people on this earth, and at any one time, there are thousands, if not millions, going through what you are going through. So you, my beautiful, troubled, tender souls, just have to reach out and talk to someone and you hang in there until you feel hope on your own accord.
Sending HUGE love and hugs out there to all who are going through (or have gone through) any mental health struggle. You are not alone. You are here, on this earth, and you are loved, just simply by being you, you Beautiful Soul.
Peace to your soul, Love, and Hugs,
SG
