A co-worker and I were having a conversation the other day about what we liked eating for dinner. She said that she loved steak and I immediately responded: "I'm all things chicken!".
This statement immediately made me laugh as I realized just how deeply true it is, not only in referring to my dietary preferences, but also in referring to who I am (and have been my entire life).
Being All Things Chicken
For my entire life, I have been a very accomplished worrier. I developed panic attacks and anxiety when I was 20, but even as a young girl in elementary school, I remember not being able to sleep over a friend's house because I was too afraid to be away from home. I am sure that there are many things that made me this way - from a genetic predisposition from both my maternal and paternal sides of the family - to the fact that my alcoholic father passed away when I was 4 years old and the chaotic life that is my mom. The purpose of this blog entry wasn't intended to dive into the many possible reasons as to how I became who I am (although I welcome all philosophical discussion as to what makes us who we are as adults), it was inspired by that spontaneous comment about dinner that just so happens to also describe me.
I am coming off of a pretty rough month due to my mom being hospitalized for a week with a bad leg infection and at the same time I also came down with a cold. And because when it rains it pours, my asthma-prone daughter then developed a fever that lasted 5 days and was pretty rough. I was exhausted and worried and stressed. And then (not surprisingly) I had an emotional outburst with my boss (and no - I wasn't sobbing, I was defending what a stellar employee I am 😏 during a conversation about seminar travel, of all things), which did not go over well whatsoever. (He was not to be disrespected like that, as he let me know the following week.) Blah, Blah, Blah, I digress.
The Dark Days of Divorce
I always thought that I was a pretty intelligent person, a quick learner per se ... however, my emotions were very slow to the table with adapting to life after divorce. (I know that I am not the quickest to adapt to change, but usually I bounce back a lot faster than a year!) I think it's the perfectionist in me. I hate that I am not the perfect mom for my girls. I hate that my failed marriage can negatively affect their current lives as well as their adult lives. I hate that I continue to worry about this and feel sad about this. I know that no one is perfect and that we all do the best we can in life. No matter who you are in this world, you are human and as such you are not perfect. You will have happy days and sad days, healthy days and sick days, days full of love and days full of sorrow. I realize that I am not saying anything that is an eye-opening breakthrough, but I am finding it cathartic to write it. I tend to get stuck in my head with my thoughts/worries and talking with someone, or writing, helps me push through the thoughts rather than letting them circle in my mind.
When you get divorced, they tell you that the current statistic for failed marriages is 50%. One out of two marriages end in divorce and that percentage is even higher for subsequent marriages. Depressing statistics. And it seems to me like the majority of that remaining 50% are not happy and shouldn't be married. Why is it that so many of us fail at the institution of marriage? How do we lose our way? Do we all have too high of expectations of our significant other or of marriage itself? Do we get lost in the busy day-to-day of raising children and working? Everyone enters into marriage with the hope and love for happily ever after, 'til death do us part; so why do so many fail? Why are so many miserable? When I see truly well-matched and successful marriages, I want to delve into why and how it worked for them. It does seem that there is always one partner in those happy-appearing marriages that are very calm and patient or at the very least are able to indulge the other.
To anyone else going through a divorce right now, or who are in the first year or two after a divorce, my advice is to be patient with your life process. Some days all you can do is survive - and that is an accomplishment. Time does heal wounds; the passing of time helps mental as well as physical wounds. Hang in there. Envision the Phoenix rising from the ashes.
Besides time helping you heal, there are some awesome people that shine during your dark days. A little shout out to just a few of the beautiful souls in my life during this difficult transition: My Tina-girl who is always so positive, supportive, and calm about life and has such good, sane advice. Trace - for your almost daily support getting me through the lows and the worry and the panic. Little Red - for being on an amazingly similar journey at the moment; I enjoy riding the roller coaster with you. And to CC, who I am not sure how I would have survived the last year without your calm, loving support and sense of humor.
My advice to anyone currently in a dark place: reach out to those lifelines that are offered to you by others in your life. We are all here together trying to survive as best as we can through life. Lean on others during your dark days and in turn, offer your shoulder or ears or arms to someone going through their dark days. The loving and healing power of hugs is a true blessing during hard times.
After living a life of fear and worry, how awesome would it be if I could shed those fears and worries and go live by the ocean after my youngest daughter graduates from high school?! As of now, I am thinking positively. My 5 year plan is to have my toes in the sand. I have read many accounts of people who start living their dreams after the age of 50, it inspires and motivates me. It is never too late to start living your dreams.
Surviving and Starting to Dream Again,
Me
Motivational Moment:
Today's Moment is a Life’s Little LaughablesTM:
The other day I was walking out of a doctor's appointment with my youngest daughter (who is now 11). She has had a pretty rough two years with the divorce (the first year of me and her dad living separately was the hardest, this last year she has started to come around again and it makes my heart smile). As we were walking out of a good check up with her Pulmonologist, her and I were in a light-hearted mood. As described above, we were just coming out of a rough two weeks and at the doctor appointment I found out my favorite doctor was leaving the practice. I said to my daughter: " We have had a few tough hits these last two weeks, it is time for some good wins to come our way!" To which she immediately responded: "There are good winds in the mountains."
Even though she thought I said 'winds', I truly enjoyed a light-hearted laugh with this kiddo. Definitely heals a momma's heart seeing a daughter in a better place. 💖
