How Do You Measure Your Worth?

With May being Mental Health Awareness month, I thought this was perfect time for me to post these thoughts that came to me the other night.

 How Do You Measure Your Worth?  (Spoiler Alert: You don't! The mere fact that you are here is pure celestial gold!)

This question came to me as I was attending an orchestra concert at the high school (the song playing was actually composed by one of the senior students) and it almost had a melancholy/eerie feeling to it.  And by all means, this is not an insult.  Quite the opposite in fact, because I feel that a piece of music that moves you, that transports the audience elsewhere, is truly powerful - and thoroughly enjoyable.

Unfortunately, I was finding myself lacking.  And then I was sitting there almost berating myself for my thought process.  So then this question came to mind ... I literally asked myself, how am I measuring my worth, if I am finding it lacking?

 So let's dive in.

 I was an A student all through my years of schooling, including college. Check mark in the "plus" column.

I have anxiety.  Fear and worry rule my life.  Check mark in the "minus" column.  (Although as I write this, I feel myself already defending me, in that how much can it be my fault, if anxiety was literally in my genetic code, passed down from generations, affecting men and women alike in my bloodline?)

 I have raised three daughters who are also excellent students and good humans.  Another one (or three) for the "plus" column.

 I have had two divorces.  Two for the "minus" column. 

I have successfully worked full-time my entire adult life, being financially stable - despite having anxiety and while having three babies (two of which were twins).  Check, check, check for the "plus" side.

I am intelligent.  I am a highly sensitive person.  I am a perfectionist and I have high expectations.  This is what makes relationships difficult for me.  No one can live up to my high expectations and in addition, they can't evade crushing me at times due to my highly sensitive nature, so I inevitably get disappointed or hurt by perceived slights from them.  And I do realize how difficult it is to live with someone who has anxiety and can spiral when any minor medical issue occurs. 

I am baffled that I am experiencing this momentary worthless feeling. Is this mid-life? Is this the disappointment that I am about to turn 50 years old and I have not accomplished any of what I was "promised" by being a straight A student in school?  I am not in my dream job.  I don't even know what my dream job is.  I feel disappointed. In myself.  With myself.  Oh and add being overweight to my "minus" column, I am not happy that I have gained so much weight and cannot easily shed it like when I was younger (please note - this is my personal barometer and not a condemnation of anyone but myself).   

Why is it not good enough that I did a damn good job in raising three children?  Why is it not good enough that not only have I financially supported myself, but I have supported three daughters, and my household.  Why can't I be proud of me and be happy where I'm at in life?  Is it about purpose? A meaningful job?  Is it that I don't feel needed since my children are no longer dependent little ones?  Why do I always want more than what is my current reality?

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that we are too hard on ourselves. It's like having "compare-itis"; we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking, particularly in this social media world we live in where we can see what we perceive as "happy, successful people" everywhere.

At the end of the day, we need to be at peace with who we are.  For ourselves.  By ourselves.  We have to enjoy every season of our lives because after all, we don't get a re-do.  This is it.  Every season, of every age, is our last to experience at that age.  We can't waste these precious minutes of our lives by feeling not worthy.  We are here.  For that alone, we are worthy.

Worthily Yours,

Me

Motivational Moment:

I wanted to end today's blog with hope.  When one has hope, they have a promise of a new day that can bring a much needed change.  Perhaps it's meeting a new person that can end up being a new best friend or significant other.  Perhaps it brings a new job or a new adventure that ends up being wonderful for you.  Perhaps it's finally coming into your own and realizing that YOU are all that you need and that YOU alone are worthy for a good, satisfying, and peaceful life. And here's the thing, in the darkest of times, one may not feel hope, and it's in those times that everyone needs the message that there is someone they can reach out to.  Whether that be a friend, a relative, or even a stranger that answers the phone of a hotline - literally there for you.  You can look up hotline phone numbers and there are people who want to talk to you and want to help you.  You just need to remember in those darkest times that you are not alone and you only need to reach out to someone.

In closing, if you have hope, you always look forward to the next day and possibly the next new thing.  If you feel you don't have hope, then that is when you reach out to another person and talk to them about how you are feeling, because at the end of the day or during your worst crises, you are not alone.  There are over 7 billion people on this earth, and at any one time, there are thousands, if not millions, going through what you are going through.  So you, my beautiful, troubled, tender souls, just have to reach out and talk to someone and you hang in there until you feel hope on your own accord.

Sending HUGE love and hugs out there to all who are going through (or have gone through) any mental health struggle.  You are not alone.  You are here, on this earth, and you are loved, just simply by being you, you Beautiful Soul.

Peace to your soul, Love, and Hugs,

SG  

Musings on Mid-Life

I have never had a problem with birthdays.  I especially thought people were silly when they talked about how "old" they felt when turning any age in their 30's or 40's. 

All that has changed with me rounding 50. 

I guess I can say I have been in my mid-life crises the last few years.

And a quick aside here ... when I was younger, I had always thought mid-life crises occurred in your late 50s and 60s, but let's face it, not many people live to be 100 or 120.  In fact, now that I'm close to 50, I am surprised at how many people I have heard of lately who have passed away in their 50s or even before hitting 50!

So, if my "mid-life" crises started around age 46 or 47, let's just say I'll be surprised if I survive until I'm 92.  I'm 48 now and I'm amazed at how "old" my joints seem.  They are not happy on most days.  And you can forget jogging or running or biking; I'm lucky some days if I can simply walk from the parking lot to my desk.  And don't even get me started on my dry eyes!!

I digress, as usual.  This is not a lament on my joint pains or anxieties or worries or how I feel the body is just falling apart, yes ... I can go on and on about the myriad of body maladies ... but that is for another day.

This post is about my mid-life crises in the sense that this can't be it.  I'm not in my dream job.  I have not made huge societal accomplishments.  I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up!!  And that scares the crap out of me!  I want to DO so much more, BE so much more than this mere ordinary existence.  I want to do something I am PASSIONATE about, before my time here is gone.  I just have no idea what that should be, and that is what bothers me.  I do, however, feel strongly that the world needs people who are passionate and alive; if everyone was doing what they love, the world would be a much happier place!

Running Out of Time,

Passionately Yours,

Me

(On a side note, this blog was drafted almost 2 years ago, but I somehow never got around to posting it - which ironically goes with my theme of running out of time!!  Anyways, the below conversation was too good to not post, so here it is - even if a little late.  Better late than never folks!!)

Motivational Moment:

Today's Moment is one of my Life’s Little LaughablesⓇ

 My daughter who is 17 and a senior in high school was really stressing out about a homework assignment that was taking her longer than it should.  We had gone out to dinner but there was a half hour wait and that really stressed her out; she did NOT have time to sit there all night with so much homework that needed to be done.  So I said, "No Problem.  We will simply order the food To Go and head home.

On the drive home, she was explaining how she was very unhappy that she couldn't decide on what article to do her assignment on and she had already spent way too much time looking for the perfect article.  She exclaimed: "I'm so stupid!! ...".  And I immediately cut her off.  (This girl has been considered gifted academically since 4th grade and has maintained a 4.0 average all of high school).  So I'm about to get into this big dissertation about how she should NOT talk down to herself like that and it is because she is a perfectionist and that is a trait she inherited from her mom, etc.  and how that trait makes you want things to be perfect so you try harder and work harder and still aren't happy with the results because, let's face it, nothing is perfect!  So all that went through my head in the heartbeat of hearing her stressed out and making that statement.  

Here is how the conversation flowed:

 - 17 yo daughter: " ... I'm so stupid! I'm spending way too much time on the research portion of this assignment..."

 - Me: "Hey!! I WANT YOU TO KNOW ..."

 - 14 yo daughter (sitting in the back seat of the car): "YOU ARE DUMB!"

 
Literally, in a split second, her bratty freshman sister, interjected her wit.  And I have to say, we all laughed.  I said "white flag. I surrender!".  Obviously, we all know she is not dumb and that, in fact, quite the opposite is true, which is why that little exchange was hilarious to me.

I did tell her that she needs to not speak to herself like that.  She can acknowledge that she is a perfectionist and Type A personality and wants things perfect, but in no way should her self-talk be negative towards herself.

Wishing you all laughing, loving moments with your loved ones.

Love and Hugs,
SG

Advice to My Daughters as They Turn 18 and I near 50

When my twins were newborns, a co-worker (who had college-aged kids) said to me: "It goes by so fast, so enjoy it!".  At the time, I was exhausted with two babies and literally felt like college was an eternity away. I was thinking - this time cannot go by fast enough!! However, I was wrong. I wish I could go back to them being newborns and holding and cherishing every moment (even though that really is challenging with a level of exhaustion that is almost unbearable). 

 

My mom has always said that the older you get, the faster the years go.  And the older I get, I find that to be scarily true!  I literally can't believe I am about to turn 50!  This photo is basically this blog in one image - in a blink of an eye, your children grow up ... and your life passes.

I have been thinking about writing this post since my twins turned 18.  That happened in February of 2020, and well, we all know what 2020 brought us.  Ironically, as I am writing this, I feel that the actual year of 2020 was almost as if life was put on hold. The entire year feels like a vacuum in time. I honestly don't know where the year went. Life as we knew it certainly was dramatically different - school was now virtual, all social gatherings were cancelled - at least in large quantities, businesses closed or went virtual (if they could), the world struggled with chaos, crises, and devastating loss.  My daughters had to deal with a virtual graduation from high school; having the end of their senior year occur from our house rather than walking the high school halls as the top dogs; their internships getting cancelled (and I was really excited for them and proud of them for the internships they had set up).  Then as the pandemic continued, they had to deal with their first semester at college being very different than normal with classes being virtual and no socialization.  To say I am proud of these girls is an understatement.  They rolled with the punches and continue to excel.

There is some life advice that my mom passed on to me.  She said: "There's two things that are really important to have in your household.  The first is a really good vacuum.  The second is a good set of stainless steel pans.  And I can say - that was darned good advice.  I have the same set of good quality pans she got me for my wedding - and they still look the same 25 years later.  And I also will say that I LOVE a good vacuum.  I love how the carpet looks and feels after a good vacuum.  I realize that this is not deep level wisdom, however this is good stuff to know when it comes to adulting.

Another piece of Life Advice that I often reiterate to them is to be your own advocate. Stand up for yourself (and your children).  If you are not happy with a doctor - whether it's a vibe or their plan of action or they don't listen to you - if anything doesn't sit well with you, then find someone who you  respect and trust and who does listen to you.  Remember that you are paying them, so they work for you!  Everyone is human and no one is perfect.

Choose a partner who treats you kindly and with respect. If they make you feel bad about yourself, then leave - for yourself. You only get one life, if you are not happy with your current reality, then change it. No one else can do it for you.  Only you will live your life and walk your individual path.

But mostly my advice is to enjoy yourself.  Life is so short.  And genetically, we (our family) are perfectionists, worriers, "A" students, and Type A personalities. We want perfection and success - in our bodies, in our partners, in our homes, in our careers. We stress when we don't get it, but nothing - no person, no body, no partner - is perfect, so we end up being hard on ourselves and our partners. I wish I could easily snap my fingers and change this for you because I know how hard it makes life. But since I can't do that, what I can do is be your advocate, for the rest of my life.  I will be there to help you when you are being too hard on yourself. Us Sensitives suffer, but we also bring so much love and light into this world - which is SO needed. After 49 years of living, I am realizing that it's ALL about the journey and not the NEXT thing.  I once read something about a "next addiction" and I find that it is what I do.  Always planning and/or worrying about what comes next.  But truly what we need to do is to enjoy the now, which means easing up on yourself. You are doing the best you can.

And lastly, to my youngest.  I see you.  Your 18th is 2.5 years away and I am in no hurry to see it come, even though I know you can't wait.

Keep Shining on My Loves!! 

Forever and Always,

Your Advocate, Your Momma,

Me

P.S. The advice I gave to your cousin on his 18th is also advice I love for you (and for all 18 year olds), you can find it here.

Motivational Moment:

Another Life’s Little LaughablesTM: Whenever I think of some sage wisdom that I want my daughters to know, I always used to say: "If I were to drop dead right now, I'd want you to know this piece of life advice..."  One day, my daughter finally said: "Can you think of another, less-morbid, way to word that?!".  So now whenever I want to tell them sage life advice, I simply preface it with "Here is another important thing for you to remember in life...". 

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Momma (aka SG)