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| Sunset |
I will start with the fact that I had a pretty decent career for 14 years at one company. The company experienced tremendous growth during this time period. While the first 11 years were very good ones for me, both professionally and personally, the last three years were what I can only describe as toxic stress. Due to being a highly sensitive individual (I love Jenn's comments about this topic!), I absorbed the stress around me rather than letting it bounce off me. This started to seriously kill me. Horrid headaches and stomach pain were more the norm than the rarity. Anxiety became extremely prevalent, in fact, my panic attacks returned after being gone for 15 years. I was experiencing irregular heart beats constantly, I even left work once via ambulance due to being in tachycardia. One would think that being rushed to the hospital would have given me the final push I needed to get out of what was a very bad situation for me, but it wasn't.
My point of no return came with the onset of joint pain. All of a sudden, I woke up one day and my pointer finger and thumb were so swollen I literally could not bend them. It affected one hand first, lasted about a week or two and then the other hand would swell up. Then I started having pain in my elbows, knees, and hips. I was referred to a rheumatologist and told I had rheumatoid arthritis. And THIS was my breaking point. As I look back while I am writing this, I really can't believe it wasn't either:
1. the panic attacks returning after being gone for 15 years; or
2. being rushed to the hospital with my heart in a crazy fast rhythm in which I thought I was surely going to die.
But my turning point, the part of my life that gave me the strength to drastically make a dramatic change, was the thought that all of my toxic stress (which one could argue that I put on myself; I would argue that it is the highly sensitive person that I am - caring about those around me; attuned to those around me) had brought on a horrible auto-immune disorder. That was my final breaking point! That was the final push I needed to leave a lucrative, stable career and walk away with nothing lined up, against the wishes of the majority of those around me, particularly my family. They said I would be stupid to walk away without having another job lined up in this economy. They said outright, No, I couldn't do it. I thankfully found the strength; it was no longer an option to not do it. And a good friend (who had left the same company years earlier) was a major cheerleader for me; she came back into my life right when I needed it. Ironically, I didn't feel like a strong person at the time; I felt like a fearful person, running away. The fear of dying, thinking it was walk away from this job or have a heart attack, was my motivator. I was ashamed that I didn't have what it takes to "stick it out", I felt like I was walking away with my tail between my legs. Instead of leaving with my head held high, I quietly left. No big farewell parties for a 14 year amazing career with many people whom I had thought were good friends after working side by side in stress for many years.
Fast forward two years. I look back on that decision as one of the best of my life. I wish I had done it two years earlier. I wish I had looked on it then as I do now: I made a wonderful, positive, healthy change for me and because of that, for my children. I want to be here for them. I want to be a positive influence in their life and support them; rather then be the stressed out misery that I had become.
Now I am working on me. Now I am working on over-turning years of toxic stress; trying to turn off auto-immune markers that I have turned on from years of being overly stressed out. I have significant joint pain in my elbows and my knees; my hands and feet have bad arthritic pain. Walking, on some days, is painful with every step (and that is wearing only these ugly, unattractive, big, flat shoes - without which I wouldn't be able to walk.) Gone are the days of wearing gorgeous heals, which are so sexy, but so stupid to wear (this is a perfect topic for another blog; how - for years and years - women wear shoes that are completely unnatural and harmful for our feet. Have you ever seen the comparison, by x-ray, of a bare foot and one crammed into a pointy high heel?? Stupid. Let's see men walk in these!!). A Rheumatologist told me I had intermittent rheumatoid arthritis and that it would turn into full RA and I needed to start a toxic med. My primary care then told me he didn't believe I had RA; he did believe I had an over-active immune and recommended that I go on an additive-free diet. At the time, I was highly annoyed with that answer. I said I am the mother of three; I work full time; I don't have a personal chef. How on earth could I stopped eating processed foods?! Impossible.
Serendipity. Meeting someone who went to a holistic doc at my new job. Going to said doc and having everything checked out. I am very early in this process, but I am going gluten free and am working on eliminating processed foods from my diet and slowly getting my family to eat healthier as well. It is challenging and there is a huge learning curve I need to overcome, as well as overcoming the fears of taking vitamins and supplements.
I am overwhelmed by all the information but I am hopeful. I am hopeful that if I stop eating foods that are bad for me, that are causing inflammatory reactions in my body, my body will settle down and feel better. People may roll their eyes at this. They may call me stupid and say that I should just take the drugs. We will see where this leads, but this is my path right now and I am hopeful.
Always Learning,
Me
Motivational Moment:
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| Hawaiian Volcano Flower |
I am not sure how this gorgeous flowering plant grows out of this rock, but I love it. It makes me think of beauty coming out of hardship; or of beauty found in the most unexpected places.
1. The positive side of being highly sensitive:
The down sides of being highly sensitive are well known (such as taking things personally, being stressed out, being overly sensitive to pain); the upside, however, is beautiful! It is being deeply touched by beauty in any form (including photography and artwork), music, movies, books, people, and their stories. I love that music can affect me so strongly, whether it be a sad, contemplative mood; an excited, happy mood; motivate me to work or dance; be in love, moved, touched; music enhances the feeling - whatever it is. I love being swept away by a movie or a book, completely forgetting about my life and becoming part of what I am watching or reading. I love being so affected by others' life story that I get goosebumps or cry; I offer comfort and support because I care so deeply. I like being highly sensitive to all of the beauty that life has to offer.
- A big thank you being sent out to my friend, Pam, who was such a powerful cheerleader for me at a time when I needed it the most.
- Being inspired by complete strangers who live across the world from the simplistic power of words.
- Being inspired by true life stories of people who have overcome great odds to succeed and make something of themselves.
- Being inspired by those who dedicate their lives to helping others.
May you find inspiration in simple things; may you change your life for the positive if it is needed; may we all continue to learn and improve ourselves every day that we live.
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